Red Tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

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Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Silvers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they desparetly needed to "use the bathroom". It was late, with no proper facility in site, they had no choice but to stop in the nearest private place available... ......the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to "clean up" with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to "clean up" with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst....... ...My wife came home with no panties!!"

That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said....."From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

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Opposites

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional
extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student
from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from
Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the
opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

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Having Fun

Hey, civilizations come and go, but the one constant throughout the ages has been and always will be the orgasm. Rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief--I don't care what your social strata is. When that climax lightning bolt comes roaring down your loins, there's only one thing on your mind: why in the hell is everybody else on this bus starin' at me?

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The Hair Dryer

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

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Never Underestimate A Blonde

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive Double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got
a call from the contractor who installed them. He was
complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year
ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his
fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in
just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
"Helllooooo? " (I told him). "It's been a year"!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so finally
I just hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too
embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he
won't underestimate a blonde anymore!!

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Crusty Old Man

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church office and
say to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you What did you say?"
"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform
him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have
to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old man, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 200 million bucks
in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of
some of this damn money."
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

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Riddle Me This

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?!
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch

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I Need A Push!

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No. I did not. Its three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

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No Toilet Paper

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the
bathroom.
She said yes.
When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet
paper so, he used his hand.
When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do
you have in your hand?"
The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my
hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principal's office and the
principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I
open my hands he'll get scared away."
The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands
NOW!"
He did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look
what you did, you scared the shit out of him!"

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Circle Flies

Ole Bubba the Redneck got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture Bubba about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make Bubba feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

Bubba said, "Having some problem with them Circle flies there, are Ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."

So Bubba says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

Bubba says, "Oh no, Trooper. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, Bubba says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

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Kinder, Gentler Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

1. A few clowns short of a circus

2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal

3. An experiment in artificial stupidity

4. A few beers short of a six-pack

5. Dumber than a box of hair

6. A few peas short of a casserole

7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box

8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead

9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl

10. One taco short of a combo plate

11. A few feathers short of a whole duck

12. All foam, no beer

13. The cheese slid off the cracker

14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel

15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt

16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

20. As smart as bait

21. Chimney's clogged

22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair

24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

25. Forgot to pay his brain bill

26. Her sewing machine's out of thread

27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops

29. If he had another brain it would be lonely

30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control

31. No grain in the silo

32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse

33. Receiver is off the hook

34. Several nuts short of a full pouch

35. Skylight leaks a little

36. Too much yardage between the goal posts

37. Surfing in Nebraska

38. Slinky's kinked

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Two Rednecks

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road, drinking
bottles of beer. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl. It's a
police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers and then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads
and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight, and
put the labels on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys. Ya'll
been drinkin'?"

"No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "Me and Bubba's on
the Patch."

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You cant catch that.

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise.

He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

O ld man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch Chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, ! whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks".

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset ! the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat."

That's what got me in prison.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.
During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all
his fellow inmates.


The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So,
the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing
his time.


Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the
best carpenters in the local area.


Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.


One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen,
though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a
large countertop.


So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the
job for him.


To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
"But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help,"
said the warden.
"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter
fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

Watch what you ask.

Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit
with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom
about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife. They had
apparently been scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep
in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK
to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected
home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later my wife and the children
picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane
was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's
arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their
arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting,

"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"

"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked
at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to
see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

The Discharge

Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her
complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He
instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table.
She did so. The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her
pussy. After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"

"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."

I Win

My husband and I were in a heated argument that lasted over two
hours, neither of us willing to give in. Finally, I looked at him
and said "I only have one thing left to say, Lorena Bobbett only
got six months!"

He stared at me, thinking for a few seconds, then replied "Yeah?
Well O.J. got off scott free!"

How'd You Do That

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a
popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man
from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then
I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just
tell my wife!"

College Football Guide

(1) What does the average Michigan player get on his SATs?

.........Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one room?

..........A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?

.......Grease her hips and push.

(4) How do you get a Florida State graduate off your porch?

..........Pay him for the pizza.

(5) How do you know if an Alabama football player has a girlfriend?

.........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.

(6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?

.....Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of a Miami ( Florida ) football player's
life?

..........His freshman year.

(8) How many Oklahoma freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?

..........None. That's a sophomore course.

(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?

......... Durham , North Carolina . He knew that the police would never look
at Duke for a Heisman Trophy winner.

AND FINALLY

(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?

.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and
picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

Horrible Dream

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "you've got to help me!" Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away."

"I see. What do you want me to do?"

The patient implored. "Break my arms."

Cigar Addiction

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your ass. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours!"

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."

The Guy Dictionary

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a
conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST
THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the
corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the
vacuum cleaner."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,
AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the
corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF,
IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb,
but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched
hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what
you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can
fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next
three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one
more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Emergency Brake

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol
officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I
just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is
broken and it could be dangerous."
-
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair
it as soon as I return home."
-
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is
wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to
animals so you should have your husband check that too." -
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get
home."
True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about
the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately.
-
"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something
wrong with the emergency brake."

Eve's Side Of The Story

Eve's side of the story.

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.
"The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the
sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other
two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them
on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain,"
reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc......... .she felt
that having only two breasts might leave her body
more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at
this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you
needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix
it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into
the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of
Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all
the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Lets see......... .where did I put the useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

My Private Part Died

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy ," said Mr.Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad"

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences. "

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr.Goldstein, " she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall
like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy,"replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my
Private Part died..."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

(You gottalove this!!!!!!!! !!!)

"Well, " he replied, "Today's the viewing!"

My Dad Is A Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

Watch What You Pray For

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my
wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so
please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. -
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,
set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast,
packed their lunches, drove them to school,
came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
took it to the cleaners and
stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the
groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds,
do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and
Mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and
got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and
got the kids organized to do their homework,
then set up the ironing board and
watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and
washing vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops and
snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen,
ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't
finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he
managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and
said:

-"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy
my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! oh! please,
let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be
happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to
wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night."

Lost Contact

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom"? the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

The Sleepover

John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."
John said that he would prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blonde. "Hi," he said, "who are you?"
"I'm Baby, and who are you?"
"I'm stupid," he said.

Sperm Donor

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation". The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a provate room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"
"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"
The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."
She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.
"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"

Did You Jump?

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'' I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared. So the Jump Master pulled down
his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."

Looking For My Wife

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the Second guy, "Sorry about that I'm looking for my Wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I Was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a Coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you Find her.
What does she look like?"
The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red
hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for
yours."