Jokes To Make You Laugh For Days!: March 2008

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The Blonde Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go to her home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt. so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants. So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy'.

So. here I am."

Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist!

The Lord and the Harley Rider

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
Lord said,"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic,
think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the
supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the
concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several
natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that could
possibly help mankind."

The biker tho ught about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
"Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to
know how she feels inside, what she' s thinking when she gives me the
silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I
can make a Woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Happy and Sad

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said,
"I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at
the Same time".

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your pecker is bigger
than your brother's".

The Man Of The House

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be
THE Man Of Your House." He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and
announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this
house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
and when I'm finished >eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous
dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we
will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to
draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry
and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess."

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Chinese Sick Day

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I
sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me
sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel
great. I be work soon.....you got nice house".

Get Screwed

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were
they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed .
so we're just waiting.

Politically Correct

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be
referred to as "HILLBILLIES.
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS. And furthermore. .

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT "WOMEN" AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. "
3. She is not "EASY" - She is"HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. "
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED. "
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. "
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY
SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT "MEN" AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES
ALTERNATIVEDESTINAT IONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS. "
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR
CLEAVAGE"

Flat Tire

A Blonde women's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...

She replied "Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers

Irishman goes to the Dr.

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions? "

The Irishman nodded..."I' ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from the f**kin' skippin"

Monday, March 10, 2008

Healing

Grandma and grandpa are watching a healing program on TV. The evangelist
called to all that wanted to be healed, to put one hand to the TV and
the other on the body part they wanted healed. Grandma hobbled over to
the TV and put one hand on the TV and the other on her artheritic hip.
Grandpa made his way to the set, put one hand on the set and the other
on his crotch. Grandma looked at him with disgust. "You don't understand
Bill, The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the
dead!"

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Doctors Never Laugh

..The Doctor replied "Of course I won't laugh, I'm a
professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't
have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then
fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to
his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know
what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise
it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

Marriage Humor

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there
be greater than this one?"
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give
up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, no matter WHO
left you a fortune."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my
sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your
sense of humor."

Irishman's trip to the doctor

Friday, March 7, 2008

6 Truths Of Life

6 Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Sorry about this, I was An Idiot too,And Neeeded Company...

Password Protected

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password, something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...

P...E...N... I...S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

**PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

HOW TO INSTALL A " TEXAS " HOME SECURITY SYSTEM ...

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16
work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,

Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.

Don't mess with the pit bulls-they attacked the mailman this morning
and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but
it was hard to tell from all the blood.

Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

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Tuesday, March 4, 2008

On the first day, God created

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? Tha t's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty ye ars.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty yea rs? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Clyde's Accident

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the
scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule,
Bessie, into the...

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I' m
fine!'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the
trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted
again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at
the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the
scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he
is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him
to simply answer the
question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the Judge and
proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer
and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and
trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I
was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole
Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just
by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came
on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went
over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he
took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman
came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,and said, "How
are you feeling?" "Now what the H**L would you say?"

Used to sharing:

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything ."

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.

She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.

The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered "THE TEETH"

Saturday, March 1, 2008

In and out of puddles

"Three ducks go into a
bar."

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second
duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles
all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said,

"So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

Where Babies Come From

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and
began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the
farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had
gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length
of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of
the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike,
the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the
powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,
and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies,
Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large
puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing
and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up
Chicks"

Jokes To Make You Laugh For Days!